For decades now, the public has been treated to feminine hygiene commercials that attempt to market their products with vastly unrealistic depictions of menstruation. Twirling on the beach in white gowns! Riding white horses through meadows full of white flowers with a huge smile! Yogic headstands in white gear on a white mat! Being a girl is FUN! The cliched marketing imagery is tired and less realistic than Pam Anderson’s cleavage in the 90’s. There isn’t a single magazine ad for tampons that gives a good visual of what appears to have been a pig butcher gone awry… in your pants. Just a nice vial of blue solution, gently spilled upon the billowing pillows of the trusty pad! Hurray!
In a new and “improved” twist to appeal to a new generation of bleeders and breeders, Always has stepped outside their traditional domain of jewel toned plastic packaging, and created a line of maxi pad products in a shimmering paper box.
IT SHIMMERS, PEOPLE. CLEARLY THIS IS REVOLUTIONARY!
Christened by some men geniuses at Proctor and Gamble as “RADIANT INFINITY PADS” (I guess “environmentally irresponsible blood diapers” wasn’t a focus group favourite) they are slightly more expensive than competitive products encased in plastic, or fewer shimmers on the packaging. I bought a box of the Radiant Infinity it see if there was a) any reason why this product was more expensive than everything else and b) to study the product positioning/marketing on and in the packaging itself (which I can’t really do in a store, because that would be weird.)
Oooh! Shiny!
On the one side panel of the box that doesn’t scream “Shine ON! Shop the collection!” and “Artfully Designed” there are instructions. Not the standard underwear placement schematics (which, after 22 years continue to confuse me because it’s so hard to stick a slab of plasticated cotton in my gitch*facepalm*) but rather, step by step instructions for a crafting project.
Crafting.
No. Really.
More puzzling than Proctor and Gamble deciding to induce hemmorhaging women into craft making (which is of Satan) through the medium of maxi pads, is that the art project on the box isn’t some sort of pithy use of feminine hygiene products. It’s not a tampon ghost or overnight pad Barbie Doll bed.
Instead? Instructions for fabricating your very own “edgy rosette pin.”
“Let your style shine!”
Grumpy Cat’s human familiar says “NO.”
I don’t know about you ladies, but when my uterus is attempting to murder me, what I really want is to make an edgy rosette pin out of a zipper. When I’m staggering to the bathroom in a vain attempt to strategize the invasion of the crimson tide on the beaches of Whormandy, I’m not thinking “Gee, performing a DIY hysterectomy in the bathroom sounds like less of a hassle right now than five days of this bullshit” or “If you loved me, you’d feed me a Midol and whiskey smoothie.” No. I’m thinking of dicking with my sewing machine while squinting at craft instructions on a SHINY MAXI PAD BOX.
Because I feel it is my duty to share the joy with you, and because the blinding glare of the box makes it hard to read, here are the instructions for the pin that I’m never going to make:
HOW TO MAKE AN EDGY ROSETTE PIN by ALWAYS RADIANT INFINITY
- Coil a metallic zipper, or more than one, to create a rosette shape.
- Secure it with a few stitches, then pin it on and GLOW ALL OUT!
Oh, right.
I’d hate for my Quebecois sisters to miss out on this awesome project. En francais, aussi!
COMMENT CREER UNE ROSETTE RENDANCE par ALWAYS INFINITY RADIANT
- Enroulez une ou plusieurs fermetures a glissiere metalliques pour creer a forme d’un rose.
- Cousez-la a l’aide de quelques points pour la faire tenir puis epinglez-la ou vous voulex pour epater la galerie!
Now that the hernia I had developed from laughing so hard after reading the box has subsided, I have one more bonus shot of Wymyn’s Prydyct Myrkyting gone wrong:
You’re right, Rexall Drugs. These tampons really ARE for any time! Thanks!
Rexall Drugs has branded their bargain basement budget generic tampons as “Anytime.”
Are you kidding me? These horrible instruments of torture are for a very, very specific time, and unless you are fabricating the aforementioned tampon ghosts for your Hallowe’en decor, or to stem the flow of blood from a body part, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG. (Also, the entire reason I bought these instead of Playtex or OB is because of the pastel butterflies. Pastel butterflies make everything better. Even tubes of cotton for shoving up your cooter.)
Go home, marketing departments. You’re drunk.
Citizen Sourpuss 
I honestly don’t know why the feminine hygiene marketing department hasn’t hooked up with a major booze company for joint promotions. You know, buy two boxes of super-duper absorbency tampons, get two dollars off your bottle of vodka! And for the under-the-legal-age group, a Ben & Jerry’s/Tampax cross-promotion seems like a no-brainer.