Talking to Retail Clerks on Christmas Eve

Scene 1: At a pet food store in Tuxedo around noon on 24 December, 2012. We shall call it “Pet Barn” to protect the reputation of the establishment.

[Waiting in line behind 20-something couple blowing $76 on dog toys for their dog, and having each. one. wrapped. individually.]

Clerk at PetBarn: Would you like this deer chew wrapped?

Me: No.

Clerk: We can wrap it!

Me: No. I’ll put it in my purse.

Clerk: How about a bow?

Me: No.

Clerk: Green and red bows are festive. I can tie it on real quick.

Me: My dog self identifies as Jehovah’s Witness.

Clerk: Oh. Are you JW?

Me: No. Just the dog.

Clerk: *stares* 

Seriously? My 7 lb, inbred pomeranian lacks the opposable thumbs necessary to undo a fancy bow.

Nor does she get some sort of thrill from unwrapping the bone-motif paper just-so. She is a dog, and not a very bright one at that.

The dog has no fucks to give. None. Not one.


Scene 2: At a grocery store in Grant Park Festival, around 3 pm on 24 December, 2012. 

[Groceries are being rung through the till by a teenage boy who is a poster boy for a “before” Clearasil ad.]

Clerk: Are you ready for Christmas?

Me: Yep, and I can’t wait for it to be over so we can get back to normal.


Me: *eyebrow raise* Fun?

Clerk: It’s only one day a year! Come on! All the presents!

Me: One day? It has been going on since Hallowe’en ended. It’s a two month long consumeristic orgy borne of obligation.

Clerk:  I guess you’re right. I never thought of it that way. Man. That’s kind of depressing.

Me: You’re welcome.


Scene 3: Pet food store in Grant Park. 
[standing in line, waiting for other people to have their Humvee sized dog crate wrapped]

Clerk:  Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me:  Yes.

Clerk: I see you looking at that rawhide. Would you like me to ring that up for you?


Festive Colon

Me: No. It looks like a festive colon.

Clerk: *looks at rawhide* A what?

Me:  A festive colon. A Yule Intestine.

Clerk: *says nothing* *makes face* 

Me: Right?

Clerk: I can’t unsee that.

Me: I told you.






2 thoughts on “Talking to Retail Clerks on Christmas Eve

  1. Funny your dog is JW. One of my cats is Muslim and I get so tired of the several times daily yowling while bowing down to Mecca at any time of the day or night. Thankfully, the other cat is an atheist

    • The beauty of living in a free society is that our pets have the ability to express their religious freedom in whatever manner they chose, without fear of prejudice and prosecution. I imagine finding Halal cat food is bothersome though.

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