The Parable of The Pringles Can

There was once a Young Woman who lived in an Ancient House in a far-away land called Winnipeg. The woman had just moved into the Ancient House with her Two Little Children, and her First Husband. They were new to the strange and mysterious land, which was plagued with angry wasps and blood-thirsty mosquitos. After spending many years working from home, the Young Woman felt it was time to return to the workforce in Winnipeg, and submitted a resume to a company that was promising magical adventures with polar bears, beluga whales and Eskimos in the Far North. She did not expect to hear from them, as the magical adventure company seemed to be seeking a more skilled person than she, but lo, they called, and she commanded not one, but two interviews with them. The second of those interviews was set to be in person, during the ninth hour of the ninth day of the ninth month. The Young Woman would have to trek across the strange and mysterious Winnipeg city to find their location – a time consuming prospect that required her First Husband to care for the Two Little Children as she made her way to places afar. He agreed, and so it was to be. She was very excited! How her heart lept at the prospect of having adult conversation! Travel! Resuming her career!

Of course, as fate would have it, the Eldest of the Two Little Children was slated to start her first day of her first year of formal education at the EXACT same time and hour as the Young Woman’s meeting across town. This was a moment that the Young Woman had waited for as long as the Child had been outside her womb! She had dreamed of packing the Child off to Teachers all day! To take photos of the Child with her new backpack and fresh attire before crossing the threshold of education! Of walking her to the first day of the 13 plus years she would be spending becoming enlightened and worth talking to! The Young Woman had to decide: take the child to school, or attend the interview? Give up a precious moment in time to gain a potential life-changing adventure?

After many sighs, tears, and sniffly noses, the Young Woman and her First Husband decided it was prudent that she pursue the interview, and he would mecca over to the school with the Children.

And so it was.

The Child went to School with the First Husband. The two of them returned to the home- after a 25 minute interview with the teacher -with an abundance of paperwork from the School. It was surely a small forest worth of paper, killed dead to inform the family that children in higher grades could attend intramural basketball, that nutrition was important to consider when packing lunches, and that bullying would NOT be tolerated. The reams of mashed up trees were a hand high, and were crammed into the back pack of the Eldest Child in a haphazard fashion.

The young woman was able to navigate the mean streets of Winnipeg with the help of her trusty GPS talisman. She arrived at the interview early, and spent an hour discussing banal and mundane things with the polar bear people like:

“Tell us about a time when you had to share difficult news with someone in the workplace…”

and

“What does corporate social responsibility  mean to you, and how does your career reflect having made positive corporate social changes in the workplace?”

By the end of the discussion, the Young Woman had determined that the position did not offer the riches she had hoped for (or that typically went along with a title of similar leadership role and travel expectation) and was not quite what she was looking for. She went home feeling slightly dejected, not because the interview was unsuccessful, but because she had expectations that where higher than reality. She was, however, excited to return to the ancient house, to hear about her Child’s first day at the School.

When she returned, the Children were digging a hole in the backyard with the handle of a paint roller and filling it with the crispy corpses of dead wasps that had been killed by the First Husband earlier in the week. When asked how her day at School went, the Eldest child replied “Fine, I guess” and returned to her wasp funeral. The Young Woman entered the house, and located her First Husband. Her First Husband was distracted by jester painters and sorcerer lawyers, and waved her off saying  “he took notes” about the meeting with the teacher and that “there was paperwork in the bag.”

So, the Young Woman retrieved the small dead forest worth of  paperwork out of the bag, filled it out, and replaced it in the backpack for the Eldest Child to take to School the next morning.

Later in the day, she tripped on something as she walked across the living room floor.

“Hark now! What unholy object of fornication and demon excrement  impedes my steps?” cried the Young Woman.

“A lowly Pringles can? Whatever would it be doing on the floor of my ancient abode? Surely my First Husband hath left it there in his carelessness! Child? Did you eat of these Pringles?”

“Nay, mother! They must have been Father’s chips!” replied the Eldest Child.

“He should know better! There are many places through the Ancient House that are designed to facilitate the holdings of food waste! Why, I will grudgingly take it there now!”

And so she walked to the food preparation area, and deposited the Pringles unit into the food waste bin.

Later on in the day, the food waste bin was emptied, and placed outside for the garbage collectors of Winnipeg to take away.

The  next day, as she was preparing the Eldest Child for School, the Young Woman was approached by her First Husband, who implored:

“Where is the red Pringles Can? Surely it should be in the backpack of the Eldest Child?”

“Nay, First Husband. The Pringles can was deposited in the food waste receptacle before the sun went down, and the men who collect garbage took it far, far away.”

“No! You fool! How could you have thrown away The Most Important Pringles Can in the Universe?” he raged at  her. “Surely the Child needed it for her education! It was bestowed upon her by her Teacher, who beseeched the Child to take it with her in her pack on a daily basis, so communication between the School and her Parents would remain intact and unharmed in the Child’s travels!”

“Fool Husband! How was I to know that the can that nearly took my life was The Most Important Pringles Can in the Universe? It appeared to be waste! It was discarded on the flooring! The Child informed me that it was your waste, and it had nothing to do with her!”

“Woman, because of your impulsive and foolhardy behavior, I now have to go out and locate a replacement for The Most Important Pringles Can in the Universe! I don’t know if I can undertake this most difficult and rare endeavour! You have forced me from my home and into the streets, where I will have to search high and low for such a thing! Curse you! Curse you!”

Then he departed.

The Young Woman was stunned and saddened by this exchange. She was not a mind reader. Nor was she a witch. How was she to know that the Pringles Can was so important to her Child’s education? To the fate of her marriage? After much soul searching and prayer, the Young Woman realized that she did not actually care about the Most Important Pringles Can in the Universe, that once this Husband ran away/was buried under the porch/expired from whore contracted syphilitic diseases, she would not be replacing him with any other husbands. Then, she dared to stuff the reams of paper in the Child’s pack…unguarded.

Several days later, a replacement Pringles can had yet to surface, and went unmentioned until nearly 10 pm of the night before School was about to start.

The moral of the story?

Sometimes, when you nearly break your neck on a Pringles can? It might be MORE than just a Pringles can.

Or maybe not.

It’s hard to tell.

They’re tricky little bastards.

—–THE END—–


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3 thoughts on “The Parable of The Pringles Can

  1. This happens around here all the time. I have to ask what something means–why it’s sitting out. Heaven forbid I throw anything away that someone might need or have a use for that I had never thought up. When it’s something of mine I go out of my way to over explain why I’m keeping it or its purpose in my life.

    BTW, I absolutely adore that you call your man First Husband. If I did that, my hubby would start calling me Former Wife. Ha! 😉

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