Leash Laws vrs. Douchecanoes: The Eternal Battle

Over the course of my life, I have repeatedly been the target of large, unleashed dogs. From growing up in a rural area where people felt it was just fine to let their massive untrained hell-hounds loose 24/7, to having my children and small dog attacked in public parks – I’ve grown weary of encountering dog owners who think it’s just smurfy to ignore posted signage indicating that the area is NOT OFF LEASH.

I have a hard time trying to understand the disconnect here. Let us review the sequence of events, as they unfold, over and over again.

1 – You own a dog.

2 – You take the dog out in public (meaning, outside your fortified/fenced yard.)

3 – The sign says/law dictates ALL DOGS MUST BE ON LEASH/NO OFF LEASH DOGS ALLOWED.

4 – Surely this does not apply to YOUR dog. Your dog is awesomer than all other dogs, and you’re too kewl to *obey* a dinky sign.

5 – You let your dog run off the leash because you’re totally badass.

6 – Your dog makes a bee-line for another dog’s throat/a child playing is having fun playing, way over on the other sign of the park, growling, snarling and jumping giving friendly face licks and rough-housing.

7 – You take your time to walk over to your dog ( because you are awesome) and say “Here, Blackie! Come, boy!” and when your dog doesn’t come and the other dog owner/parent of the child about to have their face torn off your dog is playing with starts screaming “GET YOUR MOTHER FUCKING DOG RIGHT NOW OR I’LL KILL IT!” you feel hurt. Clearly this bitch is a DOG H8R.

8 – Your attempts to leash your dog as it plays  mauls the other dog/child are almost futile. Who knew your 175 lb Mastiff was that heavy? As you pull your animal off that other dog/kid that your dog was about to kill wrestling with, you respond with this classic, golden gem, used by irresponsible douche canoes around the world:

“Oh, don’t worry! He’s FRIENDLY! He just wanted to PLAY!”

Listen up, you sociopath.

Your dog is NOT friendly. Maybe with YOU he’s fine, but MY dog/MY kid are quarry to be HUNTED. He is PROTECTING your small penis/tattoos/low riding pants. He is NOT playing. There is a reason my kid/dog is terrified of big dogs. It’s because losers – like you – continue to bring your massive, untrained, lethal weapon to places it does not belong (like the public beach, the school yard) and set it loose. Here are a few suggestions for you, before you’re staring down the other end of my high heel as it goes up your ass repeatedly:

1 – LEAVE CUJO AT HOME. YOUR DOG DOES NOT NEED TO GO TO THE PUBLIC BEACH/FESTIVAL/SCHOOL YARD WITH YOU.

2 – IF YOU MUST BRING THE DOG, KEEP IT ON A LEASH.

3 – IF YOUR DOG SOMEHOW, MIRACULOUSLY GETS OFF LEASH AND ATTACKS ANOTHER DOG/CHILD/JOGGER, MOVE FAST. APOLOGIZE. EMPATHIZE WITH THE OTHER PERSON. SCOLD YOUR DOG.

4 – IF THE OTHER PERSON, WHO IS FRIGHTENED, SWEARS AT YOU/YOUR DOG, ACCEPT THAT THEY DON’T KNOW YOU/YOUR DOG, AND ARE SCARED. DON’T SAY: “YOU MUST BE A REAL DOG HATER, BITCH.”

5 – ADVISING THE OTHER PERSON THAT YOUR DOG IS A LOVELY, FRIENDLY, PLAYFUL SWEETIE IS NOT GOING TO REASSURE THEM. REALLY.

Consider yourself lucky if all you got was some verbal abuse and a threat to call the cops.

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One thought on “Leash Laws vrs. Douchecanoes: The Eternal Battle

  1. Well said. I absolutely love dogs, but I can’t believe the rights people think they have when it comes to taking them in public. What they don’t seem to understand is that even if their dog is the friendliest dog in the world, other people don’t know that to be the case. So, if you’re somebody who is afraid of dogs you are going to be completely uncomfortable when this huge “friendly” dog comes running around you supposedly wanting to play.

    It’s even worse when you’re trying to walk your dog with a leash and some jackass comes along with his dog unleashed and it starts to jump all over your dog. Even if it is trying to play, if your dog doesn’t want to play back it can turn ugly pretty quickly.

    I remember my father tried to get strict leash laws passed through city council in Kitimat. Most people were really supportive, but there were people in the community that pretty much wanted to linch him for suggesting that they simply leash their dogs in public places. There are no bigger dog people than my parents, and we leashed our dogs all the time unless we were out in the back country somewhere. I’m not sure why this is such a difficult concept for some people.

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