The Eternal Battle: Thighs of Doom vs. My Favourite Jeans

Jeans are made of evil and spite. There has never been a time in my life when they have fit me properly, regardless of whether I was in porkchop mode or on the verge of anorexia. Thanks to the hearty plow-pulling peasant genetics that I inherited from BOTH sides of the family, I have been blessed with a compact, muscular build. This was great when I was in shape, and could run around in bikinis, but not so much after a couple of kids and parking my ass at a desk all day long for years. 5 ft 2″ + major muscle + layer of fat = fashion disaster. NOTHING looks good on “ice cream cone legs” (tiny ankles, massive thighs.) Adding insult to injury, I have a tiny waist but wide hips, so anything that fits in the thighs/hips/rump is falling off me in the waist, and if it fits in the waist, I could never pull it up past my knees. Le sigh.

Through some amazing and divine intervention of the Lard Almighty, I managed to finally find not one but TWO pairs of jeans that fit me just right. Even more miraculous? Whole LINES of their jeans fit me just right. *cue the singing of angels on high*

My first revelation: praise be to the Gap. Their line of Curvy Petite jeans are just what I’d been looking for. I don’t need to hack 4″ of the bottom. They’re not low rise and falling off. They’re not Mom Jeans. They have ample room in thighs/hips/derriere, but are not sagging at the waist. They look great with a boot or a heel, and come in dark and light colors.

The second revelation: meet Lois Jeans. I had scored a pair on a post-Xmas shopping expedition to Lolly’s, a local boutique in Chilliwack. These things are the best thing to happen to jeans, ever. They suck in what needs to be sucked in, and fit. just. perfectly.

Of course, the good times must come to an end. Unlike Neil Diamond, I don’t get to be forever in blue jeans, because my massive thighs of doom are trying out as the stunt double for an upcoming Incredible Hulk flick. Thighs angry! Thighs smash jeans!

Both pairs.

Totally shot, with no hope of salvage. The fabric in the entire crotch-thigh region is threadbare.

Did I mention that both pairs are afflicted? Yeah.

When I was still skinny and in high school/college (I actually had this problem even when I was a stick-bitch) I would simply wear boxers with a bright pattern, or sew a colorful patch that was intended to be seen. Now that I’m a sad and dumpy Soccer Mom? Not a chance in hell. Recent revivals in that hideous 80’s trend of distressing/purposefully going about making holes in the denim isn’t going to fly either. Thigh holes on fatties don’t scream fashionista. Nay. They scream “Hie thee to Jenny Craig, STAT.”

A little bit of Googling around tells me that people (not just women) with athletic/muscular thighs are prone to blowing out their jeans this way. Sadly, there isn’t really a rescue after the fact. My husband, who has what a salesman at Perry Ellis referred to as “an athletic seat” (my mother calls it Hockey Ass) splits everything right up the seam of the rear. It’s possibly more unattractive, but much easier to repair.

Until it’s warm enough to start schlepping about in a skirt (below the knee, lest my cellulite dimples be mistaken for craters on the Moon) I will continue to wear my holey pants at home. Sadly, I’ll have to trot the less flattering Joe Fresh and Old Navy togs out of their resting place for public excursions.

Woe.

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6 thoughts on “The Eternal Battle: Thighs of Doom vs. My Favourite Jeans

  1. oh
    my
    dear

    I thought I just might have been the only one! (how silly of me!).

    In the past 2 weeks, my 2 (and only 2) favorite pairs of jeans that actually, and I mean ACTUALLY fit me. Combusted.

    Also in the inner thigh region. In a fit of range, I threw both of them in the garbage.

    …now I can’t even wear them around the house whilst reminiscing about my days as a skinny in highschool.

    I will join you in your le sigh.

  2. I’m rocking a hippy skirt (or possibly a Mennonite skirt, since this is Chilliwack) today, because I couldn’t face the day with either the hole-y jeans, nor the ill-fitting ones. It’s cold out there, man.

    Thank you for your commiseration. It’s nice not to be the only one wearing out their jeans in a futile and hopeless manner!

  3. I lost two pairs of jeans in the span of a week, too: one pair did the eaten-by-my-thighs, and the other was likely on the verge of the same, but before they could get to that point, just ended up running in a triangular patch. Not a happy camper!

  4. I can never wear jeans for longer than a span of 6 months (at most) because of this problem. It is the worst! I feel like I need to buy six pairs at a time so I can constantly rotate them to make them last longer. I have never felt the need to be super skinny but every time I see girls walking around with the space between their legs (you know what I mean), I get jealous, not because I want their legs, but because I dream of how amazing it must be not to have this problem!

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