Heavenly Hos? Hallelujah!

I am on the mailing list for the local Christian bookstore.

I patronize them from time to time, primarily for the purchase of Bible related children’s books/coloring books/religious Christmas cards. It’s not a secret that I’m Christian, although my fondness for swearing and making fun of people probably wouldn’t tip you off if you don’t know me. You have to ask (which is probably another instance of religious FAIL, but hey, I was raised Catholic, and we’re not up on the whole evangelization bit) because I consider my faith private and personal, blah blah blah.

But I digress…

I received a 25% off flier from the bookstore in the mail this afternoon. After squinting at the flier for a few moments to see if their pre-school Bible Heros flash cards were also marked down (they weren’t), I decided to see what else they had on promo. There was the standard issue Dobson/Swindoll/Smalley fare. There were a few Bible study companions. I didn’t see anything that struck me as interesting, until I flipped the flier over, and noticed the Christian Romance books.

*Much hysterical laughing ensued.*

The Christian Romance genre is more prolific than one might expect. There are scads upon scads of holy bodice rippers, virtuous panty creamers, and saintly smut trilogies. The local library, which caters to the large Bible belt population, is chock-a-block full of these things. I have never made it more than a few pages into one of these tales before yawning and putting it back on the shelf. I’m more of a David Sedaris hag than a Karen Kingsbury groupie. At any rate, I had never paid much attention to this particular literary quirk, and would probably just tossed the flier in the recycling bin, had it not been for these gems:



I know, right? Awesome? But wait! There’s more! Check out the description:

“Although she still prays for Caleb, Nellie Mae Fisher has broken up with her beau. Now, her heart’s greatest longing is for more knowledge of the Lord. Caleb yearns for freedom, as his plans to leave Honeybrook have been thwarted. He must stay on as caretaker for his father, who was crippled in a wintertime accident. He also longs for Nellie Mae, still hoping that she will return to the Old Order…and to him. Christian Yoder, a young Mennonite man, longs to get to know Nellie Mae better…and to share with her the secrets of her sister Suzy’s final days. Rhoda, Nellie’s older sister, longs for more of what the world has to offer–from fancy clothes, to her own car, to a new English boyfriend. Meanwhile, father Rueben Fisher longs for unity–among his family and all the brethren. Whose longing will be satisfied, and whose will not?

Holy fuck! Can you not feel the vibrating, pent up, Amish lust? Whose longing will be satisfied, indeed.

But then it got even better. Behold!


A Cousin's Promise

If I were to judge this book by the cover, I would assume that it would detail a shameful and lurid affair between a young Amish woman and her wheelchair bound cousin with hot and unflagging priaprism. Get in there, Ruth! Churn that buttah! Faster! Faster!

Sadly, the description that accompanies it isn’t nearly as fun as the one in my mind is.

Yes, my seat in Hell is reserved. It’s not even a window seat. It’s the one right next to the bathroom, which would be great, but the can in Hell is always occupied.

Now, off to write that Calvinist Cuties series that I’ve been threatening to unleash.


3 thoughts on “Heavenly Hos? Hallelujah!

  1. Bravo! I do so enjoy a witty review and being in agreement with the sarcasm doesn’t hurt, either. You’ve a great turn of phrase and strategic use of the effing language. David Sedaris would be proud. Keep ’em coming (oh, that might be funny….)!!

  2. Not being a fan of the romance genre, I had no idea this sub-genre even existed. I had already considered writing romance novels to try to earn a quick buck, but living in the U.S.’s Bible Belt, I should take a crack at these. But do the characters actually have sex in them, or is it all lusting and yearning and coveting until marriage?

    • Nope. No sexy time. Just as you described – pious coveting and lust from afar. Then it’s time for some sanctioned holy lovin’ after getting hitched! When you’re feeling bored one day, you should see if you can scare one up at your local library, for shits & giggles.

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