Distressing Dollar Store Find: KUM in a Bottle

Oh me. Oh my.

Someone who made branding decisions for this company needs to be shot.

Behold, a very badly named line of shampoo, conditioner and (he he) hand lotion that I spotted at the local Dollar Giant yesterday:

KUM shampoo, with product name of “First Love.”

KUM conditioner, named the inspiring “Love It & Leave It.”

KUM hand lotion, aptly dubbed, “Hand in Hand.”

*cough* If your mind did NOT just leap into the gutter, I really wonder about you.

Just contemplate that for a second…

You are buying a product to rub in your hair and/or hands. A product called KUM, which implores you to “harvest the power of KUM!”

Who doesn’t love KUM in their hair? On their hands? On their face?

Deeply discounted, DIY bukkake in the ‘burbs?

At first, I assumed this was the work of bad Asian translation. A Japlish foible, if you will.

However, upon further investigation, it is made in Canada. In Markham, where they should know better, but Ontarians are a bunch of freaky perverts, so who knows?

Man, I want to be the sales rep for THAT company.

“Hey, Bill…your 10 o’clock is here. That woman who sells KUM? She’s waiting for you in the lobby with a pallet of hand lotion.”

With apologies to Jim Croce, for mutilating his timeless masterpiece, Time in a Bottle:

“If I could buy KUM in a bottle,
The first thing that I’d like to do…

Is wash all my hair

In the usual way

and get KUM in my eyes, it reminds me of you…”